The resemblance of a shattered immune system

As miserable as I am, I have not had to endure the pains of advanced stage 4 lung cancer like I imagined the first few weeks.  My tumor in my head continues to be stable, slightly diminished since March scan.  I will have another radiation oncology appointment next week, then a PET scan, then another appointment, this time with my oncologist.  All I wanna hear is that I’m a miracle and I wanna see him scratch his head.  If I can make them do that, I will stop taking Tagrisso.

The side effects suck.  I have had chronic chapped and broken out lip area.  My nostrils get little pimples and they crack and hurt. I invested in some natural remedies that help treat MRSA.  That is after all, what lead to my April hospitalization. And I just feel like this is all related.  I spent a near $90  the honey I got was nearly $28.  I also got tea tree oil and oregano oil.  I also added vitamin E oil to use as the carrier oil.

I put the honey and oil mixture on my face and I’m getting ready to go shower in a few minutes.  It’s been there all day.  I also got bandaids and some L-Lysine and hot/cold packs.

All I know is that everything has changed for me.  I’m mortal and my indulgence hasn’t helped me.  I miss people.  Six months since I was hospitalized will be marked on the 17th of June.  Im floored with how amazing my son is.  He checks on me, helps me anyway he can and there is just a deep and genuine love.

 

i have a bazillion projects going right now.  Ancestry, rearranging my room to make a metatation area, im working on letters pictures and stuffing a box for the kids.  My chest, still, is empty and hollow.  I forever will wonder why I have repelled people and live with the conflicted feelings every time I look at my son because he, more than anyone else, got shafted.  He is the one person that loves me unconditionally.  He listens to me, even when I talk about things that are unreal.

My eyes are awake.  I am far from being innocent and the evil in the world slithers around  and waits patiently to strike.  I don’t trust anyone anymore….well, the one thing that hasn’t failed me, really two things, God and my son….three – Mikki.  I don’t deserve either of them.  But I have learned the value of a person isn’t measured by anything other than what is in their heart and God knows my fear and my paralysis in certain situations.  He also knows my intentions are pure.

Time to  shower!  I can’t stand this honey concoction on my face anymore.

 

My Oasis

its my room, but it is being transformed into a spiritual oasis. I have a 7 tier she,f that I’m painting and adorning with trinkets, candles and crystals and I’m working on chakra balancing and healing.  I hope to be finished painting today.

Then the last few boxes need to be put up so that I can focus all my energy on healing.

My body is tired and sore, my neck stiff.  My appetite is down and I continue to battle chapped lips, pimples around my mouth and nostrils.

I am never bored despite never leaving the house.  I have purchased some paints and finally going to work on some of the things I’ve wanted to do for years.  One being resentment rocks and honing my painting abilities…..paint by numbers haha! But I still have resentments and I want to work out as many of those as I can and as quickly as possible.

I don’t feel like I’m dying.  I don’t feel well, but I feel better than January. There is something to be said about preparing things in the event I am called home.   It’s ensuring my “last dying wishes” are fulfilled. And if the cancer vacates my body, then I will justensure that I am always ready to walk onward when I’m called to do so.

There are times I get angry, especially at politicians and corporations. Ye who made this a great nation allowed greed to be what was fed, not the upliftment of ALL of humanity. And learning that everything that I thought was real is a lie and how some feel others aren’t worthy – as if they are God.

blessed beyond measure, I carry in me the love and light that is dying to fully express itself. And now I finally have a space where I can nurture that.

godspeed on being renewed.

MRI Results and My Immune System

This entry is about my brain scan MRI Results, my compromising immune system, and my overall mental health.

Please share and donate. Every $ helps,,,

Gratitude

Thank you Melissa! I love the crock pot. I appreciate u. A LOT!

MRI Results

The last time I had an RMI was in January and before my brain surgery. Surgery was about 9-10 weeks ago. As I had indicated, the tumor was 5.4cm and had swelling all around the tumor so total affected area was about 10cm.

While at the radiation oncology appointment, my radiation and I spoke before I head the results. I told her flat out I do not want full brain radiation. It scares the crap out of me. And I don’t want to be dumbed down or have brain trauma and unpleasant.

I lost a pound since last appointment. My blood pressure is in range. If feel good out of the time. Well, maybe not “good” as I’m not 100% and I’m rather healthy if you take away the fact I have Metastatic Lung Cancer.

No Radiation!!!

Omg, I about fell over. The tumor site is healing, she couldn’t see any edema and she was really happy that Tagrisso is working. I asked if they are smaller, bigger, more of them or less.

They smaller tumors are all over my brain. She said there’s not additional ones, and the ones I have are the same size. I’ve been on Tagrisso about 5 weeks. I will go back for another MRI in 2 months and we go from there.

My Immune System

….in one word – getting torched. Little scapes take forever to heal. I woke up with two pimples on my face near mouth and chin. I made the mistake of popping them, and now I look like I have a HUGE abscess.

All day long it’s growing and growing. If I get a fever higher than 100 I’ll have to goto ER. Otherwise I will go to urgent care down the street in the morning.it did NOT look like that this morning and since taking that pic, it’s now dropping from gravity.

Emotions

Between just having cancer, the fact I I gave this infection where I may have to goto hospital, of which all surfaced after I spoke to a man about creating his website. He’s here on the north side so close!

During the first part of the call he tells me his wife was diagnosed on Valentine’s Day in 2017. He said she died Feb 4th just 10 days shy of her diagnosis anniversary.

I got off the phone and I was sooo upset. She was 56, 15 years younger than the average age most with lung cancer. He confirmed what I know and what the doctor said and tat is stage 4 lung cancer is incurable.

The part that got me was she was up and out of the house, they were doing things. Then she came home and woke up in pain, went to urgent care and they did blood work and sent her home. After labs came back, they met with oncologist who sent her home on hospice. Nine days later she died.

The Reality

Cancer is ugly. While I haven’t been health conscious, I came to a point in. Y life where I had regained my independence, I LOVED driving for Uber, I was never angry or upset. I was even keeled.

The reality is I can’t get infections. They can kill me and knowing that he could be without a mom just breaks my heart. Breanna is at Arizona University finishing her junior year. Am I missed so much with her these last 8 years and only because of cancer do we text way more often.

And here’s my face one last time. Can you see a difference between the 2nd and third one? It feels more swollen. I’m going to shower and cry and get the ick off me.

I will update after I get back from urgent care provided they don’t admit me.