The resemblance of a shattered immune system

As miserable as I am, I have not had to endure the pains of advanced stage 4 lung cancer like I imagined the first few weeks.  My tumor in my head continues to be stable, slightly diminished since March scan.  I will have another radiation oncology appointment next week, then a PET scan, then another appointment, this time with my oncologist.  All I wanna hear is that I’m a miracle and I wanna see him scratch his head.  If I can make them do that, I will stop taking Tagrisso.

The side effects suck.  I have had chronic chapped and broken out lip area.  My nostrils get little pimples and they crack and hurt. I invested in some natural remedies that help treat MRSA.  That is after all, what lead to my April hospitalization. And I just feel like this is all related.  I spent a near $90  the honey I got was nearly $28.  I also got tea tree oil and oregano oil.  I also added vitamin E oil to use as the carrier oil.

I put the honey and oil mixture on my face and I’m getting ready to go shower in a few minutes.  It’s been there all day.  I also got bandaids and some L-Lysine and hot/cold packs.

All I know is that everything has changed for me.  I’m mortal and my indulgence hasn’t helped me.  I miss people.  Six months since I was hospitalized will be marked on the 17th of June.  Im floored with how amazing my son is.  He checks on me, helps me anyway he can and there is just a deep and genuine love.

 

i have a bazillion projects going right now.  Ancestry, rearranging my room to make a metatation area, im working on letters pictures and stuffing a box for the kids.  My chest, still, is empty and hollow.  I forever will wonder why I have repelled people and live with the conflicted feelings every time I look at my son because he, more than anyone else, got shafted.  He is the one person that loves me unconditionally.  He listens to me, even when I talk about things that are unreal.

My eyes are awake.  I am far from being innocent and the evil in the world slithers around  and waits patiently to strike.  I don’t trust anyone anymore….well, the one thing that hasn’t failed me, really two things, God and my son….three – Mikki.  I don’t deserve either of them.  But I have learned the value of a person isn’t measured by anything other than what is in their heart and God knows my fear and my paralysis in certain situations.  He also knows my intentions are pure.

Time to  shower!  I can’t stand this honey concoction on my face anymore.

 

Invisible

I have ridden alone most of my life. Battling cancer is no different. I am not apart of any family in the true nature of the word. I know people care about me. That was evident when I was diagnosed, hospitalized and had brain surgery.

I came home and prepared to get sick. I shopped for things to make my convalescing easier. I purchased products to hydrate and boost my immunity. My biggest side effect is chapped lips, an impacted immune system that lead a pimple to cellulitis and now I have a pimple in my nose that is causing redness and swelling.  And it hurts – A LOT!!!

All reality  is, is my perception on what happens around me. My thoughts drive emotions and both have the ability to impare my vision of my reality.

Today, my reality is one I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  I still feel cursed and now diseased.  Because I got sick (onset) the night of the Santa Rosa firestorm, I believe it is the reason for my cancer.

While my cancer is mine, my own to deal with, it is crucial that I recover. But, when I tell people (like my BFF’s Ex-mother-in-law) or hear thru third parties that I am terminal, it becomes clear just how alone I am and what I face.

I have lung cancer but the cancer that spread to my brain is more concerning than the source in my lungs. I see everyone going on with their lives, I either do not get calls, or returned calls, or those I get seem superficial. They are void of true emotion and based on how I’ve been alienated from my family it’s really hard not to feel the shame that others must feel.

I don’t know. I hurt and my heart pounds in my chest in such a way that if it were to stop beating, my only wish is my son does not come home alone. My decision to refuse radiation and chemotherapy and stick to only the target “chemo” pill, eliminates options. So, this has to work. It just has to!

Time to meditate under my new lights.  My tracking devices. Such a bullshit world we live in, but that’s another Oprah Show.

Mother’s Day / My Great Darkness

Sadness overwhelms me.  I’m sick, probably dying, my son is wonderful, and he’s literally all I got.  He worked today and I worked on Genealogy.

No call, no text, nothing from my daughter.  No acknowledgement on the text I sent my mom.  My dad remembered me as did Mikki.

I really thought Breanna and I would grow closer together. When I saw her in January, she was all about the relationship.  That’s quickly faded and it is what it is.  My thoughts drive my feelings and my false beliefs drive my thoughts.  I’m worthy of a good life and Love. It’s all internal.

Time to meditate