The resemblance of a shattered immune system

As miserable as I am, I have not had to endure the pains of advanced stage 4 lung cancer like I imagined the first few weeks.  My tumor in my head continues to be stable, slightly diminished since March scan.  I will have another radiation oncology appointment next week, then a PET scan, then another appointment, this time with my oncologist.  All I wanna hear is that I’m a miracle and I wanna see him scratch his head.  If I can make them do that, I will stop taking Tagrisso.

The side effects suck.  I have had chronic chapped and broken out lip area.  My nostrils get little pimples and they crack and hurt. I invested in some natural remedies that help treat MRSA.  That is after all, what lead to my April hospitalization. And I just feel like this is all related.  I spent a near $90  the honey I got was nearly $28.  I also got tea tree oil and oregano oil.  I also added vitamin E oil to use as the carrier oil.

I put the honey and oil mixture on my face and I’m getting ready to go shower in a few minutes.  It’s been there all day.  I also got bandaids and some L-Lysine and hot/cold packs.

All I know is that everything has changed for me.  I’m mortal and my indulgence hasn’t helped me.  I miss people.  Six months since I was hospitalized will be marked on the 17th of June.  Im floored with how amazing my son is.  He checks on me, helps me anyway he can and there is just a deep and genuine love.

 

i have a bazillion projects going right now.  Ancestry, rearranging my room to make a metatation area, im working on letters pictures and stuffing a box for the kids.  My chest, still, is empty and hollow.  I forever will wonder why I have repelled people and live with the conflicted feelings every time I look at my son because he, more than anyone else, got shafted.  He is the one person that loves me unconditionally.  He listens to me, even when I talk about things that are unreal.

My eyes are awake.  I am far from being innocent and the evil in the world slithers around  and waits patiently to strike.  I don’t trust anyone anymore….well, the one thing that hasn’t failed me, really two things, God and my son….three – Mikki.  I don’t deserve either of them.  But I have learned the value of a person isn’t measured by anything other than what is in their heart and God knows my fear and my paralysis in certain situations.  He also knows my intentions are pure.

Time to  shower!  I can’t stand this honey concoction on my face anymore.

 

Attitude Is Everything

As I have shared in my GoFundMe story, and as I tell others, getting this diagnosis, I had to “find the light!”

The light is the goodness that has come from this diagnosis.  I can’t sit and look at what I may miss out on.  What my children may miss out on.  I have graduations, engagements, weddings, pregnancy’s and grandchildren ahead of me.

There was a time, when I wasn’t a healed or “well” person emotionally and I had this prayer and it went “God, please do for me what I cannot do for myself!”

The intention behind that prayer was death.  He answered it in different and very profound ways.  But now I sit here with a diagnosis for a terminal illness.

Well, in the light, I see that we are all born terminal.  “Terminal” simply means “(of a disease) predicted to lead to death, especially slowly; incurable.

With that in mind, coupled with the notion that cancer may not be what kills me, it could be something else that gets me before these tumors, I have vowed to remain positive.

Attitude Is Everything

Now, to be real, that’s not to say that I’m in grand spirit all the time because I’m not.  In fact, my sadness comes when I allow myself to “go there” and when I turn off the lights at night and lay my head on my pillow.  I feel it when I read about the prognosis and the treatments available.  I am ANGERED that there are cures for cancer but the almighty dollar is more important to some politicians, bankers, governments and corporations than the lives of human beings.

I have much to learn and study so that I can  be on whatever alternative therapies, remedies and foods that will take this cancer and get it the fuck out of my body.

I have acknowledged the Cancer.  I have not insulted it, called it names, or hated on it.  I have, however, evicted it and I continually tell the cancer that it is no longer allowed to live inside of me.  It must pack up and move out.

Visualization and meditation is going to be key.  That is something I need to proactively spend more time doing.  I’ve been home from the hospital for about six weeks (45-ish days) and I’ve spent a lot of time gathering things I need and watching TV, sleeping (thanks to edibles) and thinking.

The days go by fast.  I’m still fat, I’m happy, and I get to be grateful that this disease has rekindled relationships that are primary and that were suffering, and its brought friends back that I haven’t seen in some 30 years.