Invisible

I have ridden alone most of my life. Battling cancer is no different. I am not apart of any family in the true nature of the word. I know people care about me. That was evident when I was diagnosed, hospitalized and had brain surgery.

I came home and prepared to get sick. I shopped for things to make my convalescing easier. I purchased products to hydrate and boost my immunity. My biggest side effect is chapped lips, an impacted immune system that lead a pimple to cellulitis and now I have a pimple in my nose that is causing redness and swelling.  And it hurts – A LOT!!!

All reality  is, is my perception on what happens around me. My thoughts drive emotions and both have the ability to impare my vision of my reality.

Today, my reality is one I wouldn’t wish on anyone.  I still feel cursed and now diseased.  Because I got sick (onset) the night of the Santa Rosa firestorm, I believe it is the reason for my cancer.

While my cancer is mine, my own to deal with, it is crucial that I recover. But, when I tell people (like my BFF’s Ex-mother-in-law) or hear thru third parties that I am terminal, it becomes clear just how alone I am and what I face.

I have lung cancer but the cancer that spread to my brain is more concerning than the source in my lungs. I see everyone going on with their lives, I either do not get calls, or returned calls, or those I get seem superficial. They are void of true emotion and based on how I’ve been alienated from my family it’s really hard not to feel the shame that others must feel.

I don’t know. I hurt and my heart pounds in my chest in such a way that if it were to stop beating, my only wish is my son does not come home alone. My decision to refuse radiation and chemotherapy and stick to only the target “chemo” pill, eliminates options. So, this has to work. It just has to!

Time to meditate under my new lights.  My tracking devices. Such a bullshit world we live in, but that’s another Oprah Show.

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