As I have shared in my GoFundMe story, and as I tell others, getting this diagnosis, I had to “find the light!”
The light is the goodness that has come from this diagnosis. I can’t sit and look at what I may miss out on. What my children may miss out on. I have graduations, engagements, weddings, pregnancy’s and grandchildren ahead of me.
There was a time, when I wasn’t a healed or “well” person emotionally and I had this prayer and it went “God, please do for me what I cannot do for myself!”
The intention behind that prayer was death. He answered it in different and very profound ways. But now I sit here with a diagnosis for a terminal illness.
Well, in the light, I see that we are all born terminal. “Terminal” simply means “(of a disease) predicted to lead to death, especially slowly; incurable.“
With that in mind, coupled with the notion that cancer may not be what kills me, it could be something else that gets me before these tumors, I have vowed to remain positive.
Attitude Is Everything
Now, to be real, that’s not to say that I’m in grand spirit all the time because I’m not. In fact, my sadness comes when I allow myself to “go there” and when I turn off the lights at night and lay my head on my pillow. I feel it when I read about the prognosis and the treatments available. I am ANGERED that there are cures for cancer but the almighty dollar is more important to some politicians, bankers, governments and corporations than the lives of human beings.
I have much to learn and study so that I can be on whatever alternative therapies, remedies and foods that will take this cancer and get it the fuck out of my body.
I have acknowledged the Cancer. I have not insulted it, called it names, or hated on it. I have, however, evicted it and I continually tell the cancer that it is no longer allowed to live inside of me. It must pack up and move out.
Visualization and meditation is going to be key. That is something I need to proactively spend more time doing. I’ve been home from the hospital for about six weeks (45-ish days) and I’ve spent a lot of time gathering things I need and watching TV, sleeping (thanks to edibles) and thinking.
The days go by fast. I’m still fat, I’m happy, and I get to be grateful that this disease has rekindled relationships that are primary and that were suffering, and its brought friends back that I haven’t seen in some 30 years.